Stick with your new uke for a while
And soon you'll be playing with style
Oh what a reward
To learn each new chord
And give all your good friends a smile.
I live with my partner called Hayley
Who just loves to play ukulele
It's better by far
Than any guitar
And she gives me a good plucking daily.
There was an old geezer named Dennis
Who used all his ukes to play tennis
Each whack at the ball
Just shattered them all
So we now call him Dennis the Menace.
I bought a ukulele online
To replace this old one of mine
They said, "Should we add in
a lower G-string?"
I said "No way, my underwear's fine."
The band of the Meanwood Institukes
Are devoted to playing their ukes
Their mellifluous sound
Just simply astounds
But sometimes they get funny looks.
A ukulele player I know
Bought a uke costing oodles of dough
His wife was displeased
So his new uke she seized
And she sold it to buy a banjo.
I was strumming my new ukulele
To try to impress my fair lady
She laughed then she swore
Then she ran out the door
Saying "Oh boy, I think you've gone crazy."
A ukulele has only four strings
The same as all violins
But we don't use a bow
And I'm sure that you know
We don't play it under our chins.
I was on trial at the Old Bailey
For stealing a chap's ukulele
But for such a small crime
I just got a small fine
Oh thank the Lord they didn't jail me.
1) A cheeky young lassie called Diane
Pretending that she was Hawaiian
Held a uke for a prop
Wore a flowery top
And said, "Hey! What a hula girl I am!"
2) A wee little rascal named Brian
The brother of hula girl Diane
Just grabbed her new uke
Stole her flowery look
Saying, "Nah! What a cooler boy I am!"
There was an old slacker named Hugh
Who thought he had nothing to do
Then he picked up a uke
And by some kind of fluke
Soon became a ukulele guru.
Ukulele's a word that's Hawaiian
And please do not think that I'm lying
It means jumping flea
Cos we play with such glee
That it makes all our fingers go flying.
It's great fun dancing in ceilidhs
Where everyone prances quite gaily
But the reels and Gay Gordons
With fiddles and bodhrans
Would be far better played with ukuleles.
There's me and my uke in the park
Playing Air on a G String by Bach
But each passer-by
Looks me straight in the eye
Then delivers a cheeky remark.
A ukulele band from Devizes
Plays ukes of three different sizes
The soprano's quite sweet
The concert's upbeat
But the tenor just wins all the prizes.
I begged a ukulele professor
To tutor me, and she said, "Yes sir!"
I studied for free
Got a Uke PhD
So I'm now a Uke Doctor. God bless her.
A ukulele's tuned G , C , E , A
Or "Good Cats Eat Anything", we say
Get this tuning wrong
And you'll finish your song
With the audience frightened away.
We're alone playing ukes in our rooms
Due to COVID, the harbinger of doom
But our sound's on the blink
As we're all out of sync
When strumming together on Zoom.
A ukulele is titchy and small
It doesn't make much sound at all
But you can plug it in
Make a heck of a din
And drive all your friends up the wall.
A ukulele player from Leeds
Has far more ukes than he needs
He gets a raucous response
When he plays four at once
All strapped to his elbows and knees.
We'll sing you a happy song
And hope it won't take too long
We're over the moon
Cos our ukes are in tune
So how could we ever go wrong?
We were playing our ukes on the bus
When some passengers started to fuss
Then the driver looked round
Said "What a beautiful sound,
Oh please keep on travelling with us."
You'd think it might be a nonstarter
But we've composed a Ukulele Sonata
So roll over Beethoven
Cos now we have proven
An opus for ukes is much smarter.
Santa's elves once packed all the toys
But now do what fills them with joys
So shout "Hip hip hooray!"
Cos they're loading his sleigh
With ukuleles for good girls and boys.
There was a young lass of Nantucket
Who bought a ukulele to pluck it
Her long nails were the things
That snapped all the strings
So then she decided to chuck it.
The New Year is coming up fast
And surely this COVID will pass
We'll persist with our ukes
Until we regroup
So next year will be better than last.
1) I'd love a ukulele musician
To give me a little tuition
Then I'll be up there in heaven
Mastering A minor 7
With my talent so close to fruition.
2) I found a ukulele tutor in Devon
Spent a week learning A minor 7
Then my very next trick
Was grasping C major 6
So at last I'm in ukulele heaven.
A ukulele player from Crewe
Said, "A uke is sublime in my view."
It woos more girls by far
Than a swanky guitar
And my pals are all fond of it too.
Meg retired and life became boring
She couldn't stop herself snoring
But when she purchased a uke
And joined a ukulele group
Her number of fans started soaring.
A ukulele jazz group is planned
It's called The Razzamatazz Band
It'll be real supercool
Cos a sax is old-school
But a uke is both snazzy and grand.
We were busking outside a chip shop
Using our ukes to play hip hop
This weird combination
Brought lots of elation
With onlookers applauding nonstop.
They make cheap ukuleles in plastic
But please don't get enthusiastic
They're never much good
Unless made from wood
Only then are they truly fantastic.
Perseverance was searching on Mars
NASA said it found fossil guitars
What they're saying is crazy
Cos it found fossil ukeleles
So proof ancient Martians were stars.
A brave little Ewok called Wicket
Found a uke and started to lick it
It tasted so nice
He was in paradise
Until he felt hungry and bit it.
I'm teaching the uke to my mother
With lots of new songs to discover
She twangs with such glee
But a little off-key
One plucking tune after another.
An old joke but not such a funny 'un
"Why ain't a uke like an onion?"
You'll get no rebuke
If you chop up a uke
But tears flow when chopping an onion.
Plucking a ukulele's not child's play
We all need to practise each day
So we build up our skills
And enjoy all the thrills
Of our fans being well blown away.
My old ukulele's got woodworm
As I strum they wiggle and squirm
Slither out of their holes
To shake, rattle 'n' roll
And when I stop playing they return.
We're starting a ukulele club
It'll meet every night in the pub
If the beer makes us tipsy
We'll switch over to whisky
Lay down our ukes and eat grub.
As I played my uke all night nonstop
A man threatened to call the cops
He yelled "I just need to sleep
Don't wanna hear a peep!"
So I sang lullabies to help him nod off.
Never strum a uke with a plectrum
It's not on the ukulele spectrum
Whenever you use one
There's gonna be someone
Telling you to shove it up your er nose.
A uke group that's got us all smitten
Inspired this poem to be written
We're completely enthralled
Can you guess what they're called?
The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.
I gave an old ukulele to my daughter
'Twas so grubby she bathed it in water
But when she started to twang
It fell apart with a bang
Cos she used far more water than she oughta.
1) Should we buy a uke or a flute?
Though a uke won't go tooty toot toot
You can't play flutes and sing
So they're just not our thing
Thus ukes win and flutes get the boot.
2) But a friend of ours plays the uke
And his wife is well gifted ont' flute
They duet every day
In our local café
Luring customers singing to boot.
A foolish young lady called Cath
Loves playing her uke in the bath
But no one had taught her
Not to play under water
That's why her performance is naff.
For our ukulele concert in Grantham
The Queen said, "One hopes I can come"
So perhaps I should mention
We all stood to attention
Strumming The National Anthem.
Ukuleles often have a high G
Known as re-entrant tuning you see
This very strange thing
Means that the 4th string
Ain't lowest pitched of t'other three.
A smart ukulele playing lass
Strums a uke while sitting on her ass
It's not soft round and pink
As some of you may think
But has long floppy ears and eats grass.
A cheerful old granny named Ruth
Likes playing her uke on the hoof
She saunters around
Making beautiful sounds
Despite being long in the tooth.
I used to love playing air guitar
But it hadn't got me terribly far
Then I switched to ukulele
And this didn't fail me
So now I'm an air uke superstar.
A silly young fellow called Mark
Always played his uke in the dark
He found this therapeutic
Yet couldn't see the music
So all of his songs missed the mark.
While my metronome was a-ticking
I practised some uke finger-picking
Then a sudden disaster
Made its ticking go faster
So all my fingers went in for a whipping.
A ukulele musician named Tony
Spends all his life feeling so lonely
Cos he sounds like a schmuck
When he starts to pluck
Oh learn to play Tony you phoney.
Busking with my uke was dismaying
Because no passer-by had been paying
Then oh golly gosh!
I just made loads of dosh
When asking for cash to stop playing.
A witch flying high on her broomstick
Was using her uke to play music
I saw this in my dreams
So it's not what it seems
Perhaps I'm beginning to lose it.
1) Our neighbour came round to say
In an awfully unfriendly way
"I'll whack you around
If I hear one more sound
Of that ukulele music you play."
2) So I gave him a spare ukulele
With a sticker saying "Please play me!"
He then took it away
And the very next day
Was strumming and singing with glee.
Using a uke whilst playing a recorder
Just filled me with anxiety disorder
With two instruments to play
As my hands went astray
All the right chords got in the wrong order.
A ukulele maestro called Fred
Always slept with a uke in his bed
But when he rolled over
He was no longer in clover
It'd bust his uke. Oh what a butthead!
When Santa gets on his way
He'll be playing a uke in his sleigh
Cos he's dropped jingle bells
And now strums noels
To jolly up each Christmas day.
COVID the fiend has us cursed
Will we ever be over the worst?
But we'll stick with our groups
Where we practise our ukes
So our picking and strumming's rehearsed.
I know it's none of your business
But I got a banjolele for Christmas
I can't play like George Formby
So please just ignore me
Until I can strum with his slickness.
Everyone calls me hilarious
When I say my uke's a Stradivarius
But it makes beautiful sounds
And cost thousands of pounds
From a guy who denies he's nefarious.
A talented chap from Kilkenny
Plays his uke when spending a penny
He sings on the loo
Strumming one tune or two
But is wary of playing too many.
A circus perfomer called Seamus
A total ukulele ignoramus
Held a uke with his toes
And plucked with his nose
Which instantly made him world famous.